The one thing I will NOT apologize for.

I'm a compulsive apologizer. I can't help it. I say, "I'm sorry!" all day long. Most of the time it doesn't reflect my own feelings of guilt, but I hate it when people have to deal with unpleasantries. Don't we all? My compulsive apologizing drives my husband crazy. He's always saying, "it's not YOUR fault!" I know that, but, I genuinely feel bad. Ok, wait, I admit it that I usually automatically assume I'm at fault if someone is upset, but that's a different post.



Yesterday, however, my behavior irritated some, but I refuse to apologize. My youngest child had to go in for what was relatively minor surgery. It was outpatient and we were home within 5 hours of when we left. I was a nervous wreck, and had been all week. All week people had been telling me it was "nothing" "minor" "no big deal." I knew all this, after all, my oldest child had the exact same procedure done. It didn't matter, though, because it was my baby going into surgery. I had to give him over, screaming, to a nurse at the OR door. He had to go by himself, and he was scared, and there was not a thing I could do about it.



As they took him into the OR, screaming for mommy, daddy, and grandma, I cried. Not the sobbing, hysterical crying, mind you, but I was crying. My usually even tempered husband started looking slightly irritated with my constant worrying. There were, at my last count, about 5 other sets of parents in the waiting room with children having the same or similar procedures. The husbands looked at each other wearily while the wives sniffed. Most of the nurses were sympathetic and understood that it wasn't easy. There were some that scoffed, though. Some of the volunteers rolled their eyes.

This time was nowhere near as bad as the first time my mommy emotions got away from me. I was a new mom and had to take my newborn to the pediatrician for a bilirubin check. He had been home for 12 hours. The doctor took one look at his lab results and told me that he had to be admitted, and I lost my mind. This time it WAS the hysterical sobbing and gasping for air type crying. The doctor took one look at me and said, "I don't know what you're so upset about, this is garden variety pediatrics." What was I so upset about???? My first born and the new love of my life had to be hospitalized. He was poked and prodded and stuck, and could only be held for 10 minutes every few hours, and I hated it for him.

I'm not sorry that my emotions made others uncomfortable, I refuse to apologize for that. My children are my world, and I treasure them more than anything. Like all moms, I hate for them to have to experience pain and fear and will do my best to protect them. But, when situations like this arise, where it's necessary for them to experience these things, I hurt for them and with them. For this, I do not apologize.

So, while I'm sorry that someone had a bad day, is getting a divorce, had a car accident, or burnt their dinner, I'm not sorry that I wear my love for my children on my sleeves.